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Does this sound familiar to you?
A. My friend lives through a painful breakup and I have to be there for her because that is what true friends do. If I am tired of listening to the same story a hundred times over again – then I am a bad consoler. Nonetheless if I live through a breakup – I have to care for my friends’ time not to overload them so I better not share at all and pretend I am fine
B. My sister struggles in life more than I do therefore it is ok that my parent spends more time with her and talks majorly about her. It is inappropriate to feel excluded or overlooked. Or not?
C. My kids are growing up so fast and I have to give maximum of my time and energy because when if not now. But if a random thought of escaping from my kids comes by it scares me so much that I start doubting my motherhood. Kids come first or not? I earn/have more money than my friends or family members do so I feel obliged to help whenever they need it. It does not matter that I want to start a project of my own and I am saving money for it. Everyone else’s life matters more than mine. Otherwise I am a selfish and heartless person
You might live through these kinds of situations and still understand where your place in this world is. This satisfying feeling that your way of living your life is very valuable to you. And your decision to share is mostly a part of your generosity not a part of your guilt or obligation. If not, then this obscure feeling of being overlooked has something to say and needs to be unpacked.
Why would you give in in any kind of meaningful relationship to you?
*Let me make this clear – it is a totally normal reaction under some dreadful circumstances occurred to your close ones to be there for them or to understand that you are not the central figure. It is important to highlight though that usually these circumstances have a time limit.
So if you live it as a lifelong story, then let’s search for reasons for you to feel like living on the sidelines?
1. While being a kid I never felt important [I simply have no idea how to live differently]
2. I depreciate myself [“they” know more/ know better]
3. I don’t know myself [I do not know what I want, others seem to know]
We may conclude that if "there is no room for me", it simply means that you are not important to yourself in the first place (no one taught you to!). You doubt your right for that! This is most likely the circumstances of your childhood, where you lacked a sense of your own importance and worth. But this can be changed now! It is a question of focusing your attention from what you should be (in the eyes of others) to what you want to be?
1. What prevents you from choosing yourself?
2. Who was more important in your childhood?
3. Why were ‘they’ more important?
4. When was the time that you felt there is a place for you if ever?
5. What would motivate you chose yourself?
So what do you do with this?
You turn towards yourself. You look inside and discover your own nature. The key is to be very forthright. Take a pencil and a piece of paper Write down social beliefs and ideas that limit you. Take them down. And then go and search: What are YOUR wishes, YOUR true beliefs, YOUR preferable lifestyle, YOUR view of things? It all matters because this is exactly what differentiates you from others and creates space for your true self!
How does "there IS room for me" look like in the above stated examples?
А. You are comforting your friend, caring for your friend within your comfortable limits. Whenever you face difficulties in life - you also share them without hesitation, because when you can show your vulnerability that means that friendship is true
B. Even if you realise that your sister's circumstances are more challenging, you still have the right to feel rejection, loneliness, etc. Give yourself permission to live this feeling, talk about it with friends, a counsellor or a psychotherapist. You can eventually share these feelings from your I-position directly with your sister and parents, but of course taking into account the circumstances and appropriateness
С. Children require a lot of attention and care. But if you pay attention to yourself separately from children, the quality of your communication with children will only benefit!
D. Open a project or move to another country - no one will live your life for you. If you are blamed for this act by your relatives, then there's a question to your relatives, do they really love and support you or just use you functionally (of course "for your own good")?
I would like to conclude with a quote from Oscar Wilde:
"To live the way you want is NOT selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want them to"