"Change and I'll marry you!"

Quite often the reason for contacting me for the first time sounds like this:

"Let's work with my aggression, then my boyfriend will finally marry me, he said so."

"My husband says I'm too emotional and that's why nothing will work out in our relationship, he wants a divorce. Can you do something about my emotions?"

Sounds kind of "logical." Your partner is talking about what he or she doesn't like ostensibly for the purpose of making sure your relationship has a chance to live. And you, as a conscientious woman ( "everything depends on you now") accept this challenge.

But first of all, there are two people involved in a relationship. Two people contribute to the relationship. Both are trying to hear each other and draw conclusions. Secondly, healthy communication takes place from a self-position, not engaging in gaslighting. Thirdly, it is also a question of whether you are really aggressive/emotional or whether it is gaslighting that you are fighting against (very often it turns out in therapy that it is the latter).

What else does the condition to become less emotional, less aggressive, more feminine and etc... mean? It actually means "don't be yourself, be different". It means "I don't accept you as you are." It means "change and my attitude towards you will change, because it's about you, not me", but that's just an illusion.

In fact, what makes your partner continuously see faults only in you is his personal problem and he is the one who has to deal with it. No matter what you change within yourself, he will find something to pick on, because that's how the defense mechanism of his psyche works - projection

Now let's look at how a relatively healthy relationship works. Two individuals meet, they enjoy each other's qualities. They behave honestly, not trying to be what they are not, allowing the other person to evaluate themselves objectively rather than hiding something about themselves. They also see the flaws in certain traits of the other and learn to interact with them. That's right - they learn to interact with difficult character traits without requiring the other to change. Meanwhile weighing their ability to cope with what they don't like.

How to cope?

1. First of all, decide for yourself whether you are ready to deal with this trait or not? Or is this trait too disturbing that it overrides other good qualities?

2. What potential psychological problem within you can trigger your reaction? (what exactly irritates you in your partner's character trait, what does it remind you of, what feelings it brings you up?)

3. Talk through your difficulties with your partner from an I-position. Example: "it's hard for me when you get angry/ignore me, it reminds me of .... of my childhood and I feel scared/lonely". You are not putting conditions on it, you are verbalizing your feelings. The partner in this case either hears you and goes opens up for it or not. And you draw your own conclusions.

Be yourself, value yourself – it’s the main foundation for a healthy relationship!